I'm back but not for good reasons

So its been 3 years since my last post here. In the past 3 years I've decided that perhaps my outlet for expression has changed. I felt that this space was no longer going to be what I wanted it to be.

Here I am again after 3 years, back with grief anguish and heartbreak.

Today I spent the day with my best friend. On normal days, I would look forward to meeting her. Today wasn't any different. I love times where I meet her. Yet today felt like, our friendship has gone its length.

She was distant.

First off, I'd thought I'd surprise her by picking her at her workplace for her first official day. Yet the look on her face said all but "omg why did you come".

Second, we were suppose to have dinner together, yet she barely ate. What's the point right?

Third, the subtle words she used hurt more than anything in the world. I was hurt today.

"so you only met me cause you're off tomorrow?"
"I choose my friends"

Forth, throughout the entire night, she just seemed like she wasn't interested. She seemed like she wanted the night to end as quickly as possible. Maybe I'm jealous of how happy she is with her boyfriend. Not that I feel that way about her, it's just that I hardly get to meet her anymore and every time we do, it's just like that. We meet for the sake of meeting, and its something I hate.

Yet, I can't say anything because I'll end up hurting you.

Anlynn, I miss you.
As a friend, as your bestfriend. The reason I get angry at you and get trippy a lot of the time is because you mean the world to me.

I guess I'm sad, because I know I don't mean the same to you.

`sometimes we get hurt, because we let ourselves feel the pain that we don't want others to feel

feliz navidad

Hello all,

To be honest, I don't really like this holiday period. I never liked the December holiday season. The main reason, everyone spends it with their significant other or their other half. I don't have an other half. Every year I feel exceptionally lonely during this period of time. Everyone has their girlfriends or boyfriends they would spend this time of the year with. For me, I've never had that feeling. I always get really emotional during this period of time because of that. The loneliness during this time of the year really takes a toll on me. It just makes me sad that I don't have anyone around. 

Seeing everyone around me being happy does make it better somehow. At least even though I'm feeling down, the people I care about are happy. Drus for example is finally sorting things out with JQ and I guess it's only a matter of time now. I'm happy for her.

It would just be so nice if someone just randomly talked to me and ask me how I'm doing for a change. I love being there for people and I love helping people when I can. Sometimes, it would just be nice to be on the receiving end of that. Just asking me how I am, am i really ok would be such a breath of fresh air. A random friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while coming up to me saying "how are you John?". That would be so amazing. Sadly, it's this time of the year. Everyone is with their loved ones and they're happy.

So to the few people that still read this. Happy holidays to you guys. Hope you're having an awesome time and you're happy. If you are, Cheers!. I'm happy for you guys.

For me though? This time of the year is always going to be my worst. Random texts can go a long way. So if you're reading this, ANYONE, drop me a random text yeah? Even if we haven't spoken for a really long time, it would really help and I would really appreciate it. Thank you!. Have fun all! =)

`if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me.

Moving on....

I recently found out that this space is not as abandoned as I thought it was. I'm actually in some way glad I still have some readers here. For the few people that still visit this blog, I'd like to say first that I'm sorry posts recently have been about Drusilla and my love for her. I just didn't think anyone was still reading this, and I was just using this space to express how I really feel. With that said, thank you for reading this.

Anyway, since I've been talking about Drusilla for so long, why stop now right?

I recently went to Melbourne with her about a month back. I was there for a week with her. It was my first experience travelling alone, without any family. In addition, I was going to stay alone as well. Basically, Drus' mum booked her a ticket to Melbourne for what was suppose to be 3 weeks. She was going to stay with one of her friends. She also has a lot of friends in Melbourne that she could spend time with. However, she realised that her during her first week there, most of her friends were having exams. She asked me if I would like to go to Melbourne and spend a week there with her, and I thought, why not? Anyway, moving on. The week in melbourne with her was absolutely amazing. I loved every second of it. It was really a different experience travelling with a friend and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I shall not go into the details but it was great!

And no, it wasn't because I loved her that I enjoyed myself. You see, she did tell me before I went that I should be going for ME and not for HER. I thought about it a lot. I realised what she said was true, I should be the one wanting to go, if I was going for HER and because I loved her, it wouldn't end well. Also, before I left, I had a really good talk with her about where we are in the relationship. I've always had problems moving on. I've known all along that she doesn't feel the same way about me, yet I could never bring myself to move on. I honestly have no idea why. After having a long and good talk with her before I left, I decided that for this trip, I'm going there for ME and I'm not going to look at her as anything more than a absolute good friend or best friend. To be honest, I still enjoyed myself even though it wasn't because I loved her. I enjoyed just being friends and having her as a friend and good company.

With that, after almost 4 years, I can say that I'm ready to move on. She's always going to be the first girl I have ever loved. She's always going to have special place in my heart. However, I have to move on some time. I'll always care for her a lot and she'll always mean the world to me. But shes my friend, an absolutely awesome and close friend. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I don't know if you'll ever read this but thank you Drus, Thank you for always being so understanding. You never avoided me when you knew how I felt and you didn't feel the same way. You still treated me as a friend despite everything. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

Also, Miss Chrystle Chan. You crazily amazing person. Thank you for having to bear with my nonsense for the longest time. Almost 4 years, it definitely hasn't been easy on you. You mean the world to me as well and I really appreciate everything you've done for me and being there for me. Thank you friend. You're AWESOME.

Till next time, Cyah folks!

`there is a difference between letting go and moving on, I'm moving on.

It's you, it's always been you.

Drus,

I'm still crazily in love with you, I still am.

The thing is, you have found happiness with JQ. While I'm extremely happy for you that you found the one you love, I can't help but feel sad. I'm heartbroken but I was the one that chose this. I wanted you to be happy and I knew you didn't feel that way about me. I just kept everything to myself. I tried my best to hide my emotions but there were times I just let slip. My tweets are the most obvious. However, you're happy now, and as much as my heart is breaking, I wanted this for you. I wanted you to find your happiness and be happy. I stood by your side, helped you whenever you needed help, and tried my best to help you find your happiness. Though every day I get hurt in the process, I feel it's all worth it for you now that you have JQ and you're happy.

However, it just occurred to me that, our lives are connected by what you tell me. More often than not, it's about boys or your relationships. Even then, you don't exactly share everything with me. Now that you have JQ, it eliminates everything we've ever had a conversation for. Basically, it eliminates me out of the equation. I realise that other than boys, I don't know you all that well. I don't know what you do. where you work, what you do at your work. I don't know about your personal life, like your photo shoots, I never even knew you did photo shoots before you told me. I don't know about your family, like you know both my siblings names, I don't even know what your one sister's name is. You haven't shared that side of your life with me and every time I ask, you don't want to share it. I understand that about you, and its who you are, I wouldn't want to change you in any way. So I've never asked further. The thing is, now I'm afraid it's just a matter of time before I'm no longer part of your life. The boy's part of your life, the one we always talk about, is now settled because you have JQ, but that just leaves me not needed anymore. I loved the time we had, just sad that I know it has to end some how. Melbourne will probably be my last HURRAH with you. After that I've got to figure out a way to move on.

I'll always love you Drus, you'll always have a special place in my heart. I hope that you have an awesome and happy relationship with JQ. I hope he treats you right. I now know what it means to truly love someone, it doesn't mean they have to love you back. It's when you see them happy, and though your heart breaks to see them with someone else, you know that they're happy. Deep down, you couldn't ask for more for the girl you love. I love you and I always will. Hope you and JQ stay happy together. =)

John

climb out, and get kicked right back down into the hole

It happened again. Each time I get remotely close to Drusilla, I get hurt.

Maybe I should just let her know how i feel and have the awkward time with her. Every time I think we are doing better as friends, I get hurt somehow. We can't even meet for a meal without having to go through a lot of trouble. When a boy she likes asks her out, she can clear all her plans for him, make time for him. I guess I'm not enough of a friend to her for her to do that for me.

Why I never told her how I feel?

Because she doesn't have to know. I love her and as cheesy as it sounds, I just want what is best for her. I want her to be happy, even if I'm not now nor will I ever be the reason for that happiness. I know she doesn't feel that way about me. As such I've always just tried to be there for her whenever she needed me. Trying my best to help her find that happiness. So to me, I love her so much that her happiness is way more important than her loving me back.

If she ever asks me about it again, I won't lie. I'll tell her the truth.

Even at this point where I'm hurt, I'm still fine somehow because I know she isn't hurt, and she's happy. That is enough for me I guess.

I love you

I love Drusilla Lee

She's the most amazing girl I've met. Since the first day I've gotten closer to her, I've always felt she's someone special.

Now she has become one of my best friends in the entire world. I'm still in love with her.

However, I just want her to be happy. As cliche and as cheesy as that sounds. I do.

I want her to be happy, even I'm not the reason for her happiness. I'll always be there for her, be a friend to her, be there whenever she needs me. Though it breaks my heart knowing it's not be shes in love with, at least a part of me is happy because I know that she is too. It may break my heart and I'll feel sad but I know she's happy. To me, that's how much I love her. I can be sad and heartbroken, but as long as she's happy. Its good.

You can't have it both ways

A couple of days back, I was supposed to meet Drusilla. We didn't meet.

It all started because I had to head down to SIM to settle my uni application. I dropped her a message and asked her if she was free to perhaps meet for lunch. She said ok but she has class so when i get there then give her a call. Which is exactly what I did. Turns out, when I called her, she wasn't even in school. She had already left.

Honestly, I was like WHAT THE FUCK man. I thought you said ok already? And like, even if you changed your mind the last minute, is it that hard to drop me a text? saying perhaps like maybe "sorry john, got something else on, can't make it". Or something along those lines would have been fine. What she said? I thought you were sleeping so I didn't message you. And if I did message you, it was going to be like "are you still meeting me" which according to her is too shameless for her liking.

So much for good friends. I mean one text. how hard can that be. Granted i was jetlagged. But i woke up already. and she knew i was awake coz i dropped her a text. like how hard issit drus? I was so so disappointed. even more coz she didn't even see that she sorta just "pang seh" me. cummon its not like we're strangers. We're supposed to be close.

moving on, drusilla always mentioned. If you got anything to say, just say. how am i suppose to tell you i'm disappointed with you when you can't even drop me a text saying that we can't meet.

I told her anyway, and now?. awkward silence. She's ignoring me. And me?. I'm feeling like crap even though i still don't feel i'm WRONG in the matter. but what to do? I'm crazily in love with her. But you can't have it both ways can you?

STUPID JOHN. you're an idiot.