thoughts.

Why does the urge to let someone know you like/love them always overpower the consequences?

i told myself this might happen and it probably will, yet i still went through with it.

and now? regret much?

I just thought i'd be happier, thought it'll all be better.
wishful thinking on my part i guess.
which is always the case.
if you look at the past on this blog, you've probably seen that sentence like countless times.

and you know what the worse part about this is?
each time it happens, the pain is worse, it adds on the whatever you've felt the previous time,
which makes it all the more worse.

it makes you feel lousy,
makes you feel that you're just not that good
makes you feel that you're not worthy of anyone.
makes you feel that you'll never be accepted by anyone.
makes you feel that maybe, you're just not a person someone would love

i feel all of that,
when kat said.. "to be honest, we all thought she'd be more mature about it, just give it time john"

all i could think of was, " if she's this way now, its how she truly feels and would react to something, time won't help, time will just make her feelings and reactions grow less significant. When her actual reaction and true reaction is the one she's giving now, and all time would do is leave this feeling hiden somewhere. The thing is, it's always gonna be there, just whether she chooses to see it".

then when i told april that i've told her.. she said.. " i thought you said you weren't going to tell?"

first thing that came to my mind " regret much?"

now i do, i just want it to be the way it used to be.
when fad said to me. "john, charms avoiding you."

its like a shot through the heart.

i'm emo now.. i know..
but i realised something, when you're emo and thinking, you realise a lot of things which are true, and which are your true feelings, its just you chose not to believe it.

if you ever read this, I'm sorry for my timing of telling you, i'm sorry i told you, i'm sorry for everything, but i don't like what this has become, i don't like the way we are to each other now. I loved the way it used to be. you're an awesome person, really nice. i just wanna sit down and talk to you because theres just so much i want to say.

`sometimes change can be so scary