regret much?

yeah call me emo whatever.
basically its funny to put down like happy thoughts. plus it wun be as interesting a read.

anyways. the whole NDC thing is over. thankfully.
on the whole.. the class became closer.. i on the other hand.. never felt more drifted to my grp of friends in the class.. i suppose its just a whole pile up of things that led to it?

i dunno.. first the charm thing.. ever since then we haven really like talked much. and shes in their grp. .so probably talk less with clar fad and all and drift from them. (i kinda predicted this when i chose to go over to hanjies grp).. then came the kat thing.. the whole situation really screwed up everything?. then now its like.. i dun even feel comfortable with charm clar fad and all anymore.. i really want to you know?.. even with yvonne and all i feel so drifted.. i feel so sad.. i mean.. i used to love hanging out with all of them.. now i feel that if i hang out with all of them.. i can feel that they feel awkward?.. they dun feel comfortable with me anymore.. i duno. dun tink they'll ever read this thing.. but honestly.. i really feel quite drifted from them. i feel sad because i feel that now in class i wun have anyone to talk to comfortably?. i miss the times where there were no politics.

first the charm thing.. me and her really hardly talk unless school work.. and as the event went by.. i could feel myself drifting further and further from her.. like somehow her perception of me changed and that i'm not the person she thought me out to be.. then its like.. during the debrief i rmb the words that came out of her mouth.. "we were disappointed". i felt like it was just like a total wake up call.. like it totally hit me. that i was not doing a good job.. but hearing the words come from her mouth.. it felt more hurting.. like really.. i dunno.

i could go on and on bout all the different things that result in this happening.. it all bows down to decisions.. the decisions we made..

in my own defense.. i seriously felt i put in a lot for this event.. just that they don't see it.. i felt super cheated and super sad on the night after the event.. hearing them say that i'm not doing anything.. it was a total breakdown.. like honestly.. i mean.. they are entitled to their own opinions.. but honestly.. other than charm.. i feel i did WAYYYY more than the rest that commented. esp clar and fad. I mean cummon. the balloons i tied alot la.. and the NDC.. i can safely say for the N and the D it was me who put all the balloons.. yuwei was there.. it was only until later that clar they all came to help out.. the fringe events..the setting up of the stalls?.. were they ever there?.. no right?.. the closing and packing.. were they there?.. no right?.. i mean.. just because u put in a little more effort during the main event.. doesnt mean ur entitled to pick on others that dun do as much right?. and i so wanted to shoot back at them during the debrief.. haii. liek the collecting of stuff?.. all the time was my car with rambert.. i totally respect rambert and phyllis for the effort they put in.. seriously.. i tink phyllis can be my witness as to how much i've done.. haii. but everyone is entitled to their own opinions.. and i could have stated my stand.. but while i was sitting in front of the class.. i thought to myself.. even if u say what u wanna say.. issit gonna make everything any better?.. no right?.. so why say it?.. thats what went through my head.. i mean.. less quarrels all the better.. but really.. i felt so demoralised so cheated u noe.. i mean i really really put in alot of effort and to see it left and not recognised i feel very shitty.. it totally sucks.. that night was like seriously one of the few nights i just stayed awake and think about the whole issue even though i was dead tired.. i dunno.. you know now?.. i'm sooooo worried about my grades. should i just accept their comments let mrs thomas be the judge.. or should i explain myself.. i really dun tink i deserved that.. sure phyllis definitely put in more effort.. but.. hai.. i duno.. i'm tinking of just forgoing my grades so as to lessen the conflict and arguments.. like really.. haii. btw.. i'm just voicing out my thoughts. if i offend you in anyway i'm sorry.

its just a really shitty way to end off school and kick off the hols..
the best part is.. i can't share this with anyone you know.

when i dropped a msg to drus saying i was feeling like crap.. a part of me kept holding back.. saying that i shouldn't tell her anything..
but i really really needed someone who could be there.. who could understand..

i really really wanted to open up to drus about it.. but then again. i dunno if she'll tell the rest.. and i dunno if i should really tell her. i mean.. i was touched by her concern.. really.. damn touched.. first time someone asked so much about me.

i didn't do it in the end.

Anyway. just found out that charm fad they all might be going JB tgt?. the power of twitter.. din even noe about it. totally doesn't help my mood. but okay.. btw i know my english is atrocious.. bear with it..

emo much?.. yupp. even i tink so.. but hey.. its my avenue to vent anger and sadness.. bear with it yeah?..

oh and an update on charm.. i feel different now.. i can tell i still really really like her.. but i never felt more apart from her b4.. the 2 times i sent her home during the last wk.. i felt so awkward. .i felt so useless.. like during the ride in the car.. it was really really damn awkward.. haii.. i dunno la.. i'm so lost..

Anyways.. i feel like telling all this to YC.. like really.. shes been listening quite abit too.. i know.. a teacher.. but cool you know?. hahah.

on a happier note. its holidays?. looking forward to CBC with april and all tmrw..
Till next bitching and emo-ing. cyah readers.

`I'm forever yours, faithfully.